And although my eyes were open They might just as well have been closed. -Keith Reid, Procol Harum
I suspect I’m not alone in not being able to make sense out of most of the lyrics of “A Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procol Harum. Singing along whenever I hear it is the only time I ever use the word ‘fandango’ or think about rooms humming harder as ceilings fly away, but that doesn’t make me like the song any less. However, the two lines above make perfect sense as they describe a few years of my relationship with my son Bobby. When dealing with someone battling an opioid addiction, these lines become reality. Not only were my eyes wide open, but I was on hyper-alert a good deal of the time. I behaved as though being vigilant would be enough to ward off danger, but I was really living Mission Impossible without the tidy ending. Our eyes might just as well have been closed in that our plans, ideas and actions were never enough to ensure the ending we wanted.
There’s not just one cause of addiction, and as with many diseases, it often starts with genetics and is then paired with something else. We’re dealing with genetics and __________. Genetics and depression. Genetics and trauma. Genetics and a really bad decision. Genetics and fentanyl. Once we fill in that blank, having our eyes open isn’t enough. Bobby wanted to self-medicate his depression and thought he could handle drugs until he tried heroin. He said he needed to “shut off his brain”. I never heard him blame anyone or anything else for his using drugs in the first place. He was looking for rest in all the wrong places. That decision plus fentanyl set a lethal collision course in motion.
Of course, not getting the outcome we wanted doesn’t change our love for Bobby or his for us. A lyric I like, because it’s perfect, is from “Keep Me in Your Heart” by Warren Zevon: “If I leave you, it doesn’t mean I love you any less”. Zevon knew he was terminally ill when he wrote this, and I believe it’s also on-target for those who die from addiction and suicide. Just because they left us doesn’t mean they loved us any less. Their bodies or their minds had convinced them that it was impossible to stay.
Why? Because there is not much left in this life to do of any real wonder, beauty or intrigue. They say life is short, but it’s not. I feel as though I have seen enough. I find no permanence here and feel detached from my own life. I had a sense of never fitting in. I feel a spectator awaiting the curtain to close at a semi-exciting theatrical performance. I am dying inside and am incapable of functioning in everyday life. I regret leaving before you. I hope that in my story, people can glean hope and understanding. Some people were not meant for a normal life and suffer when a normal life is all they have yet achieved. I am sorry. – Bobby Young, Journal Entry