My inner self was a house divided against itself. -St. Augustine
Several years ago, a friend of mine was describing the drama that was occurring with several of her family members and said that being around them was like getting pulled into a vortex. Their problems were not her problems and only the people involved could actually solve them but whenever she was in their presence, she got sucked in. This somewhat describes what it’s like to deal with someone who is battling an addiction. As our son Bobby was increasingly swept into the center of the whirlpool, it was impossible to try to reach in to pull him out without the threat of being caught up in it ourselves. The dangers and dysfunction that swirl around someone who is using often swirl into the lives of those around them. Since Bobby’s decision making could be complicated and extreme, finding a balance outside of the vortex was always a challenge. Maintaining the balance was even more difficult. Even so we always told him that we would support his good decisions. At the beginning of his drug use, it was easier to find the line between supporting a destructive lifestyle and enabling it. However, as time moved on, this became harder to do. His drug use increased and the positive things in his life began to lose their power and influence. Toward the end, although I always had hope that he could turn it around, it became more and more evident that he either wouldn’t or couldn’t turn it around. When the question goes from, “What will help him stay clean?” to “What will help him stay alive?” it’s both frightening and exhausting. When he died, I very quicky felt relief knowing that heroin was out of my life. The vortex was gone. I was so glad it was, but at the same time, I felt guilty because it had taken Bobby with it. I couldn’t have loved him more than I did, than I do. I have since come to realize that we don’t have to take on guilt for feeling relieved when we’re set free from something so destructive and cruel. If I could have saved him, I would have. He knew that.
Beast, be still
Burn out quick. Then rise again.
Swimming in this trash-pool. You
Sit on the side
Intrigued
Yet fain disgust.
If what you love is not enough
To keep gas in the engines and
Wheels or destiny turning.
Then,
Burn out quick! Then rise again.
Phoenix
-Bobby Young